A little gallows humor

[missdiane]

My parents were contacted with a survey from a local funeral home, which prompted an updated discussion about what they want to happen when one or the both of them go off the earthly plain, as it were. I knew that Dad didn't want to be buried or anything fancy but Mom has been on the fence about it. But it seems she's come around to Dad's way of thinking. It did sink in to her that heck no, she didn't want to be buried in that hell hole of a town and there wasn't really anywhere else she could think of that would be any more suitable. 

Anyway, they got stood up by the funeral home people who were supposed to come by at 10am on Monday and they were pissed. Then they were even more pissed with the jerk from the home called yesterday and gave conflicting excuses for the woman that was supposed to show up. First she had some "family emergency" and then further along in the conversation "her car was stuck in a ditch" (boy, was this woman having a bad day or what?) and then he said "but she called you." Dad coldly told the guy that no, they weren't called and they waited around for three hours. The guy STILL tried to make a sales pitch and Dad said they weren't interested.

But anyway, on to the fact that we're a weird-ass family. We started talking about how HELL NAW they wouldn't get any pre-dead package crap because firstly, neither one of them need to buy a plot that they won't use and secondly, when one of them goes, it's likely the other one is going to get the hellll out of town. We also talked about how having a fancy pants funeral isn't something we'd likely want to happen because why waste money paying some dumb funeral home to do some ceremony when we don't even know anyone in town and most of the relatives may not be able to make it there for a specific time anyway? May as well have folks come by the house when they can to pay their respects because there's not going to be a casket anyway. Both parents want to be cremated - Mom especially likes the idea I have of taking some of their ashes and making really beautiful glass art with it. -> Example 

Then we started to get slap happy. I was making the comment that we weren't about to buy any dumb old urn from these shysters since they're creepy looking and too expensive and there's always that story about a pet knocking over grandma's ashes and rolling in them or something. So I started making jokes about finding something better - like a coffee can. But nowadays it's hard to find a metal coffee can. I then piped up with
Me: "Hey! I have a Cafe du Monde coffee can in my kitchen that I've not even opened! Which one of you want?"
Dad: "Geez, you in some sort of hurry?"
Mom: (is absolutely wheezing with laughter)
Dad: "Oh great, now you're going to kill off your mother first and she'll get the can"
Me: "Slow down! I haven't even used the coffee yet! You guys got time"

Yeah, we're nuts. When I was making cracks like "We've replaced your Mom with Folgers' Crystals," Mom was laughing so hard that her eyes were red from wiping away the tears.

Comments

[bluecatartist]

The conversation w. you parents is hilarious! I love that shared sense of humor.

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

Mom was just the opposite. She had everything done, including her obituary. The only question the funeral home asked us was, "Do your mother's wishes stand?" We absolutely said yes. It was of great comfort to know she had it just the way she wanted it. As for us, we have a codicil in our will and money set aside for a trip to Hawaii to scatter our ashes at Kilauea. It seemed the way to go.

[missdiane.livejournal.com]

I don't think mine even have a proper will. Getting information out of them is like pulling teeth sometimes. At least now I know that neither one of them want us to go to any expense or do any sort of elaborate arrangements. Go as simple and cost-effective as possible. That's what I'd want as well - though I pointed out that hopefully someone just throws an awesome party so people can comment that they've been to the "coolest funeral"

Dad was saying that if an obit costs money not to bother but I pointed out to him that I'd spend for that since that was valuable information when doing genealogy research so I'd like to help generations down the line. He was cool with that.

He said the brother said he'd want his ashes spread into the Pacific since that's where he really wants to live. I'm sure he'd probably love Hawaii too but I'll leave that to his wife.

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

We decided to do ours when we started traveling so much. It has money set aside for the cats and everything like that.

A standard Obit doesn't cost anything. It's when you start posting great lengths of text of photos that it starts to costa lot.

[missdiane.livejournal.com]

Since I know they won't do it and neither the brother or sister can write for squat, I should probably take on the writing project and do one for each of them to have at the ready.

I know Emily will see that my kitties are taken care of, thankfully. I have my parents first then my niece and nephew in my one and only life insurance thing from work. I may have to adjust that.

[spikesgirl58.livejournal.com]

We have our GD and The Boy, of course, then it's SCT and California Musical Theatre. Unless we spent it all first...

[threecee.livejournal.com]

Your parents have a good sense of humor. I really like the jewelry - you could get a necklace with the first one to go and then get a matching piece with the next.

My parents chose direct cremation followed by a brief graveside service. The eight-grave family plot that was purchased for $1 by Mom's grandmother still had three empty spaces and they couldn't let them go to waste! Yes, my arrangements include using the last space, unless the gravediggers raise their rates too much, in which case I get discreetly dumped in the river.

[missdiane.livejournal.com]

When one of my kitties pass, I intend to get a necklace made. For the parents, I'd likely get multiple paperweights or something so all three of us kids can have one.

OOOOO - ok, one of the parents are totally going to be put in one of these badass things
https://www.spiritpieces.com/collections/suncatchers/products/handmade-steampunk-airship-with-handcarved-wooden-keepsake-urn-for-cremation-ash

LOL You're going to get "whoopsie"d? And hey, you can't waste a $1 plot.

[threecee.livejournal.com]

That was one dollar for a plot containing eight gravesites. So the individual grave is around 12¢. Still, it is a family heirloom of sorts.

[missdiane.livejournal.com]

That I get. There is other family there. For my folks, we have no other family buried in my hometown and they have no particular fondness for it. Neither of them were all that close with the parent that lived longer and none of my grandparents were buried together. So there really isn’t anywhere with either a good deal or sentimental value.

[christalin80.livejournal.com]

That sounds a lot like my family... well at least some of us. I've already told my daughter that there is no way I want to be buried in the ground with bugs and stuff. So cremate me and take my ashes on an adventure!

[missdiane.livejournal.com]

That's the spirit! I told my coworkers that I want them to have a tacky potluck and play fun music and have a rip roaring party.

As far as my remains, hopefully when I get to that time, they've improved the freeze-drying process. I mean how awesome would it be for your body to be turned into something useful?
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/a-burial-machine-that-will-freeze-your-corpse-vibrate-it-to-dust-and-turn-it-into-soil

[veganhothead.livejournal.com]

That is some beautiful work. I have been keeping Maggie and Pip's remains in the wooden boxes I'd like to do something more worthy of them in the future.

[missdiane.livejournal.com]

Something like this would be lovely
https://www.spiritpieces.com/collections/figurines/products/glass-garden-suncatcher-with-silver-keepsake-urn

This is also pretty
https://www.etsy.com/listing/649181543/memorial-pendant?ref=shop_home_active_72

This is a true story

[sparky955.livejournal.com]

When Ron died, I asked for a tiny vial of his ashes. I had them made into 2 glass pendants. I have them hanging from my ceiling fan in the sunroom.

And now, for the rest of the story.

Ron died a few days before Thanksgiving. My corworkers along with my manager at the time allowed me to spend 2 weeks over Christmas with my brother and his family in Texas. In a hospital setting, getting that kind of time off, especially at the holidays, was pretty unheard of.

So, what to do with the rest of Ratboy (Ron). My office roomie had lost her husband about 6 years before Ron died, similar health problems. She buried him with a pack of cigarettes, an ashtray, a few of his favorite comic books, an SF novel he particularly liked and a flask of Jack.

I became...intrigued. I mailed Ron-in-a-box to Texas ahead of me wrapped in my big pink chenille robe. I told UPS it was Christmas presents. Sidebar: UPS does not accept cremains, but hey, I was at the UPS store and I always can think fast on my feet.

I buried Ron’s cremains in my brother’s back yard...with a package of beef jerky, a bean & cheese burrito with extra onion from Taco Bell, a package of red licorice, a TV/VCR remote control, and after the tree was placed in his hole, I poured a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew on it.

I wanted to include a Whopper, but Burger King didn’t open until 11am and my brother told me that if I buried him with any more stuff, we were going to need a backhoe to dig the hole.

Sparky...and Ratboy...lived on dark humor...and obviously, junk food.

RE: This is a true story

[missdiane.livejournal.com]

And this, my dear, is why I love the hell out of ya 😂. I’m sorry for your loss because you guys had to be hell on wheels together.

I hope you didn’t have a moment later of “oh shit...wrong remote. I needed that one”

[spiffikins]

I love that whole conversation!
And I kind of wish I had known about those glass orb things, for my mom - those are gorgeous.

My grandmother has EVERYTHING planned out - she prepurchased her casket, and her plot beside my grandfather - and she has EVERYTHING organized and a binder set up. My mom was kind of appalled - but my grandmother said that she felt the best thing she could do was to make it that her children didn't have to make any decisions about it :D

My mom was very clear that she wanted to be cremated - and that she didn't really care what we did with the ashes. We had thought about burying her under the lilac bush - but since we were going to sell the house and none of us was going to stay in that town - there was nothing tying us to that location?

When we picked up her cremains they were in a white cardboard box, with a *REUSABLE* blue cloth shopping back with a tasteful logo/name of the funeral home - LOL like I'm going to use THAT to buy my groceries every week?

Ultimately we all decided that we wanted to do an ocean ceremony - I've rationalized it in my heart that all the water on Earth is connected - so she is near each of us.