Impeccable timing

[missdiane]

Not going to go through the whole story with mom and kidney doctor and medications but I got this text from the sister a little while ago. Skip if it's triggering for elder care, gross stuff, etc.




I knew there were issues but I knew something was more seriously up when Mom didn't want to talk on Saturday and last night only talked for less than 15 minutes. Both of them are super paranoid about being tossed in a rat-infested nursing home and with Sis being oh so compassionate, I can see why. But Sis is THERE and needs to get things going. I have no idea about this stuff.

I'm hoping that the Meals on Wheels people can convince them to get help when they come by today if they've not already got mom to the ER.

Comments

[halfmoon_mollie1]

Oh dear. I'm so sorry. It's difficult enough when you are there (she says from experience). And...sorry...your sis should be ashamed of herself.

[missdiane]

Sis doesn't know the meaning of the word. I texted back a few resources she can go on but this is her and my brother's turn. I hate to be this way but I'm worn too thin and I don't know any more than they do. They need to get Mom into the hospital for evaluation and talk about their options with PROFESSIONALS

[halfmoon_mollie1]

They need to get Mom into the hospital for evaluation and talk about their options with PROFESSIONALS
Yes. This.

[missdiane]

Essentially, her potassium levels were high and her kidney doctor told her to do a low potassium diet and also gave her a bunch of bottles of medicine (presumably to bring it down faster, I guess?) Well she hadn't been eating much and the medicine also turned her from being plugged up to the opposite. But they retested and all of a sudden both the kidney doctor and her regular doctor told her to STOP and do the exact opposite.

Yes, she's had mobility issues but not being able to get up at all is new and MAYBE if they get her in, get her treated and get her healthier, then MAYBE we have more time to check out the assisted living options for the both of them.

[spiffikins]

Definitely the siblings who are THERE, need to get her medically evaluated, before making any big drastic changes! Sure, maybe this is the next step - but it seems like the first thing would be to figure out what is going on with her guts and with the not being able to get out of the chair and falling.

I wonder if "not being able to get out the chair" is that she knew she had soiled herself and didn't want anyone to see?

Falling is bad though. Does she use a cane or walker at all?

[missdiane]

Sis just wants to throw them in a home and isn't concerned about them.

Mom's had trouble getting out of the recliner that she is in most of the time. She has a walker and a wheelchair but she's in pretty rough shape. What made things worse recently is that her kidney doctor attempted to get her high potassium levels down with medication and a low potassium diet and since she wasn't eating much and the meds were causing loose stools, it did too much and blood tests showed that her levels were now too low. It was around then that even with Dad's help, she can't seem to get up and down.

Dad had gotten her to the toilet but even with the toilet seat with handles that I had sent ages ago, she just wasn't stable and from what they told me last night, in the attempt to get her back in the chair, she fell and the chair fell on her.

She is pretty sore but she did sound better last night than the evening before (before the fall). Conveniently yesterday they had a scheduled nurse that was coming to do a blood draw and I think that she and Mom's doctors are going to see about getting some daily help coming over which would be great. They can both use the help.

[spiffikins]

Hopefully they can get her potassium levels sorted out and on an even keel!

Sometimes I worry that because I didn't have any kids, when I'm old I won't have anyone to care for me and help me when I'm not able to live on my own.

Then I look around, and realize it's really a crapshoot whether or not having kids gets you someone who will be there for you anyway! So many people that I know - their kids are struggling to take care of themselves, and aren't able financially or mentally to take on elderly parents. Or the kids are far away, or they just don't have a good relationship with their kids - so there is no guarantee that having kids sets you up when you are old!

[missdiane]

I'm definitely going to have to figure out my options since I'm in the same boat. I know that once Emily's mother passes, our plan is to be roommates again and hopefully her nibblings will help us out if needed but best not to count on it.

[spiffikins]

I'm hoping that the money that I saved by *not* having kids, will be enough to pay for assistance when I need it!

Also - I'm hoping that the Boomers ahead of me, will spur a whole SLEW of innovations and service businesses, to keep them going as they age, that by the time I'm there - that plus technology will all be in place to support me staying independent longer.

Looking at my family history - we tend to keep our cognitive abilities thru to the end - it's our bodies that fall apart on us :D

[threecee]

This is not going to be easy for you. I'm really sorry it has come to this.

First, the potassium needs to be dealt with. It is serious. If it is too high or too low, it can reach life-threatening levels very quickly. I had that issue with Dad. If she is not eating properly, that will make it worse.

Second, you may want a continuing care home where they can move from more or less independent living, to full assisted living (maybe one getting assisted services and the other not if he doesn't need them), to full nursing home (basically hospital level care, not walking at all) without being sent to separate facilities. It does sound like they may be at that point. Some assisted living places only take the person who qualifies for the full assisted living service (unable to perform activities of daily living) or throw them out if they need move to needing full time professional nursing care.

Do not let your sister put them in a personal care home - they are the rat-infested dumps where there is no trained staff. Hiring a decent person for 24/7 live-in home care would be better than that.

Third, are they on Medicaid now? Are they receiving Social Security Supplemental Income or other financial assistance? If not they will have to spend down to whatever level their state requires. If they still have their names on the deed to the house they will probably have to sell it.

A friend whose mother is very ill, but at home, is unable to get Medicaid because she has more than $2,000 in the bank and needs to get down to that level to get Medicaid to pay for the home health care bills Medicare doesn't cover. (They are in Georgia which has pretty difficult financial standards compared to most Northern states.)

I have been told, but fortunately never had to research it myself, that non-profit religion-related homes are more likely to accept Medicare+Medicaid as full payment than for-profit homes. They usually have a large one-time buy-in but then you are there for life. No home wants to take people already on Medicaid. They will have to use their resources to get in, then move to Medicaid. Yes, that will mean your sister's inheritance is gone. TDB. Your inheritance is gone too, but I think you will be happy to trade that for peace of mind.

You are going through the hardest part of having parents. Wish you didn't have to deal with it and your sister.

[missdiane]

I'm hoping that their nurse/doctor has managed to get them daily home health visits for a start. Both of them are going to be incredibly stubborn about not wanting to go anywhere. If she does relent to being taken to the hospital if things don't improve, at least we might have the chance of a rehab transitional place once they get her levels squared away and MAYBE they can get some of her strength back. It does seem that the potassium level screwiness is definitely why she can't stand right now.

They're not on Medicaid and I'm not sure if the house (that had a reverse mortgage) that they had to walk away from would hinder that. They tried to contact HUD to sell the house but no one could get them to answer.

There is a religion-related home in the town near to where they live that gets good ratings but I've got to try to get them through the paperwork to sort out what options there are since clearly my idiot siblings aren't going to do it.

[threecee]

Tell the doctor that they have to have daily home visits. Don't wait for the doctor to suggest it because they don't think about practical stuff.

There are Senior Case Management professionals that can help work out care plans and help navigate finances and other bureaucratic paperwork. They can also help with organizing the actual move. Unless you are up to traveling to your parents' and spending weeks sorting things out, it might be a good idea to find one. Probably not cheap, but better than totally ruining your back and sanity. The Area Agency on Aging might be able to help find someone.

[missdiane]

I can't travel, unfortunately. I can't sleep in a regular bed so after the first night trying, my back would go out. It figures that yeah NOW they're calling me to try to fix things again and I haven't the slightest clue

[threecee]

Question: who has Power of Attorney for your parents? Only way to make any medical decisions or handle their bill paying if they aren't up to dealing on their own. Sometimes doctors won't even discuss their patient's condition without one. They need to sign the documents before they are incompetent. Once they cannot manage their affairs and don't have a POA it involves going to court for guardianship, paying for psychiatrist's testimony, and lawyer's fees. POA doesn't give you any money, just the ability to pay bills, turn off utilities if they move, fill out government documents, decide if they go to one care home or another, etc.

I think you really need to get a social worker and elder law attorney involved. You need someone knowledgeable and trustworthy on site. You also need to care for yourself because this stress is going to be hard on you.

[missdiane]

No one has POA currently. In the sister's texts the other day, she mentioned her getting it and for as much as they probably don't want her to have it and for as much of a pain in the ass that she is, she's the most logical choice. I'm not in good physical health and I don't have a support system of my own. That and for as much as the brother means well, he has the common sense of a tick when it comes to the parents.

I'm on their documentation that they signed recently for end of life choices which I'm sure the sister isn't as concerned with.

The sister has a client that can help set up a hospice assessment and home health and sis was able to get Mom's info to hopefully get that rolling quickly enough. Right now they need either someone that can immediately come on a regular basis a few times a day to get Mom taken care of for toilet needs or the alternative is her doctor needs to see about getting her admitted. They need to accept this or TBH, Mom doesn't have much longer and Dad can't deal with it. I was able to get access to her doctor's office portal (per their email and ok from Dad) and her potassium levels and kidney levels are BAD

[threecee]

Sounds like this is really hard on your father physically and emotionally. Can your father's welfare be used as leverage to get your mother to co-operate? The only way I got Dad to agree to a Life Alert after Mom died was for his doctor to tell him that it would help me worry less and the doctor was concerned about the stress affecting my health.

All this isn't doing your blood pressure or back any good either. I hope your sister's client can organize something.

[missdiane]

Did I mention that about 40 years ago, Mom went through hell with her gallbladder and she couldn't eat and it was a fight to get her to accept that she needed surgery. When they got in there, her gallbladder was turning gangrenous. That's how stubborn she is.

[threecee]

Sounds like she is scared to acknowledge that she could die, so she insists she isn't seriously ill?

Both my parents would insist they were "fine, just a little short of breath" right up to the point where they were in the ICU on full life support.