Depression is a sneaky little bastard

[missdiane]

I thought I was just burned out but honestly, my work productiveness has been for absolute shit lately. I mean how can you be burned out when you're slacking? Or can you?

But even on the weekends, I can't do "relaxing" things much either. I used to zone out playing Sims and can't be bothered. Since Dad likes it so much and Sis is doing it, I tried coloring (I got a Pusheen coloring book since it's simple and cute) and so far I'm not a fan. I find it difficult with pressing the colored pencils so I've ordered some markers to see if I like that more. I can't read, can barely concentrate long enough to watch even a 5 minute video of anything. I do enjoy investigating genealogy but even that is in short bursts before I have to stop. Sleeping also is choppy and not very deep.

Sounds a lot like depression. I figure it had to come sometime but the type that's mostly numbness is harder to spot until you're practically non-functional.

I'm also overeating and eating sweets even though I'm not particularly a big fan of them anymore. That I need to get under control since I need to not make my physical health any worse. Especially since the thought of going to the doctor or hospital when I've heard they're overrun right now (mask up, folks!) is something that makes the depression stumble into some anxiety.

I'll try the SAD light since I know where it is in the clutter pile that is the bedroom. I'm suspecting it's far more than just seasonal so I'll keep an eye on things.

I know a lot of us have the "winter blues" so I hope you're recognizing and trying to battle it. I can't do yoga but I'm thinking I need to try tai chi again and if there's such thing as five minute meditation, need to try that too. What are you guys doing?

Comments

[halfmoon_mollie1]

walking helps me. I know that's not necessarily the same for you but if you can find a way to get 'out' for about 20 minutes - outside, I mean - even if it's just stand on a balcony and breathe, that might help. I think tai chi sounds like a good idea (I can't do yoga or pilates either, they both make me sick to my stomach) and yeah, the SAD light should be unearthed. But perhaps talk to your doc as well...

here's hugs. ((((Diane))))

[missdiane]

There's a local tai chi class starting but between it starting in the evening in winter when it's dark, I'll wait to see if there's a spring/summer session. But I may be able to find some online tutorials to get me back in practice. It's been a few years.

[vysila]

I'm sorry you are feeling so miserable right now. The situation at work certainly cannot be helping, but you have had a lot going on in your life recently, particularly with your mother's passing and worry over your father. It's no wonder you might be struggling.

You might consider talking to a doctor or therapist about how you are feeling. Sometimes medication is the answer to get you through a rough patch. And talking out your feelings certainly wouldn't hurt.

[missdiane]

I'm hoping I can avoid medication mainly because I've had the worst experience in the past to find one that didn't have side effects that were worse than the depression. I'll have to look into counseling services, hopefully they have some e-counseling since right now I have anxiety about the spiking of Covid/flu/RSV.

Things got worse today so I'm going to have to just do what I can do to keep my head above water right now.

[vysila]

I saw your posts about your father and his Medicare interview. I have my fingers crossed that Medicare does not rely on the patient's perspective. I think it more likely with his memory and mental issues that talking to him is more a pro forma thing and they rely on the medical people.

I hope you can relax a little bit tonight and find a way to achieve some peace.

[bluecatartist]

Just thinking about you and hoping for a good and decent outcome. I don't know of anything that would help - it's so different person to person.
So much going on, the work crap that is just unnecessary but you have to deal w., and your mom and getting your dad settled and it being threatened...
And do what helps w.out meds - I haven't had good luck w. depression meds either and I know Dr's don't want to hear that but I hear you - the side effects can be worse than what they're supposed to be helping nd it's only AFTER the Dr will even half-way admit it wasn't good for me.

[threecee]

I've been in the same condition for a while now. I've been under eating and losing weight, which upsets my doctor for some reason, even though she had been nagging me to lose weight.

I use my SAD light for an hour while eating breakfast and reading every morning. Doesn't have a large effect on the depression, but has definitely helped with the insomnia and I have more regular sleeping hours. Getting a decent night's sleep doesn't hurt. I think using it at the same time every day to trick your brain into thinking it is morning is the key to making it work.

Talk therapy might help. Online is easier to get to and costs a good bit less than in person sessions do around here. I had been using BetterHelp, and would have recommended them, but they just got entangled in a lawsuit for selling patients names and addresses to advertisers. Does the university have a counseling service?

Hang in there.

[missdiane]

Make up your mind doc! I thought you WANTED weight loss!

I took one my few remaining Xanax last night since I'd had too many nights of barely any sleep and I was also getting close to a full panic attack. I did sleep more last night though I need to continue to do better.

I did find some staff resources for counseling that I need to contact them. I heard those horror stories about BetterHelp. I wonder if there are some other less shifty but not break-the-bank resources? If I find out, I'll let you know.