Depression is a sneaky little bastard

I thought I was just burned out but honestly, my work productiveness has been for absolute shit lately. I mean how can you be burned out when you're slacking? Or can you?

But even on the weekends, I can't do "relaxing" things much either. I used to zone out playing Sims and can't be bothered. Since Dad likes it so much and Sis is doing it, I tried coloring (I got a Pusheen coloring book since it's simple and cute) and so far I'm not a fan. I find it difficult with pressing the colored pencils so I've ordered some markers to see if I like that more. I can't read, can barely concentrate long enough to watch even a 5 minute video of anything. I do enjoy investigating genealogy but even that is in short bursts before I have to stop. Sleeping also is choppy and not very deep.

Sounds a lot like depression. I figure it had to come sometime but the type that's mostly numbness is harder to spot until you're practically non-functional.

I'm also overeating and eating sweets even though I'm not particularly a big fan of them anymore. That I need to get under control since I need to not make my physical health any worse. Especially since the thought of going to the doctor or hospital when I've heard they're overrun right now (mask up, folks!) is something that makes the depression stumble into some anxiety.

I'll try the SAD light since I know where it is in the clutter pile that is the bedroom. I'm suspecting it's far more than just seasonal so I'll keep an eye on things.

I know a lot of us have the "winter blues" so I hope you're recognizing and trying to battle it. I can't do yoga but I'm thinking I need to try tai chi again and if there's such thing as five minute meditation, need to try that too. What are you guys doing?

A nice topping of anxiety to go with the depression

Well today is shaping up quite nicely and I mean that in the worst possible way.

Last night Dad had said that Chris was going to have him meet with someone today for some kind of assessment. I had thought it was to get him a regular doctor but no, it was a Medicaid assessor and Sis seriously dropped the ball by not letting me know so that we could properly prep him. Because it's entirely possible he might get rejected for not having enough need to be in assisted living and it's not like any of us can continue to foot the extra $2500/month to keep him there.

In Ohio at least, it says "To receive any waiver services in Ohio, you must show that you require an intermediate nursing facility level of care. To do that, you must show that you need hands-on assistance with at least two of the following activities: bathing, dressing, eating, grooming, moving around, using the bathroom, and taking your medication. You can also meet the level of care requirement by showing that you need skilled nursing care for a medical condition."

The medication definitely since his memory is swiss cheese but Sis didn't let him know that he wasn't supposed to try to convince anyone that he was in fabulous shape and can do all kinds of things for himself. FFS. I hope that they didn't rely on his opinion of how he is functioning and also talks to Sis and professionals. They also have my number which I do hope they call. Because for sure "eating" would fall on the need to have someone there. He can't cook for himself (he burned up one microwave at the apartment) and even with Meals on Wheels, when he was on his own, he sometimes would think he didn't need to eat, then he'd put them in the fridge and didn't know how old something was.

I hope things can be salvaged but along with the depression, my anxiety is well and truly through the roof and it doesn't help that Dad now thinks he's going to get "kicked out" of his new home. Fuck.

Trying to have hope

I want 2024 to be better, dammmit. Dad said the people at the facility said he's not going anywhere. I hope they're right.

This random YT suggestion gave me happy tears. Then again, right now I can't tell much of a difference.

Watch on YouTube